 Australian taxpayers do not pay peanuts but they still get... THE MAN BEHIND AUSTRALIA'S FEDERAL, STATE AND TERRITORY GOVERNMENTS' DYNAMIC COMMUNICATIONS, AND PUPPETRY, MACHINE THE ART OF SPIN AND COMPLEX LIES  Kevin R Beck, Melbourne Australia, "The nature of Politicians and Their Governance in Australia, 2010" 
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Smokey's Assistants, the key men of NSW politics |
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A SITE WITHIN THE KEVIN R BECK CREATED MOSAIC PORTAL NETWORK CONCEPTED, DESIGNED, AND OWNED, BY Kevin R Beck, Melbourne Australia - Click |
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 Sociology, tools for interpreting, and testing, spin speak |
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Joseph Turow summarises, in this linked article, how marketers are using new technologies to make it "harder than ever for audiences to escape, and resist, their advances. " " One practice, "seeding," blends "publicity, product placement, and public relations." Seeding can involve hiring actors for "clandestine campaigns that 'may consist of seeding chat rooms, blogs and forums with paid-for messages,'" as one marketer explained. A Weber Shandwick executive described the goal as to "enlist, equip and harness the power of trusted, informed and credible messengers." Another tool, "behavioral targeting," allows marketers to customize online ads, depending on Web pages visited and searches performed. Soon, "registration data, your movements on their site, and even information about you that they've purchased from a third party" will also be available to marketers. Offline examples of behavioral targeting include customizable cable TV commercials and convenience store coupons. SOURCE: Boston Globe, August 27, 2006 For more information or to comment on this story, visit PR Watch: Go to PR Watch This same technique of the corporate world, euphemsitically called spin (when it is simply lies) has been embraced by Australia's governments. You will note the sudden (June - July 2009) rise of politicians (particularly higher ranking Australian politicians) turning to mobile short messaging. They are twits. To adopt this technological crap is insulting to thinking voters. However the advisers in the Australian Prime Minister's office seem to struggle with mature activity and government process. Within the political office of the twit sits a kid whose job is to take a thousand word policy, or extended thought (if they actually have one) and turn it into six words. These are the feckless, and stupid, ideas that emanate out of the modern Minister, Premier or Prime Minister's offices, all added together to manipulate the Australian voter. Politicians who tun to these devices cannot be taken seriously as legislators and visionearies in our governments. Such practices demonstrate the paucity of intelelctual, and cognitive, leadership of those who inhabit high public office in Australia. The Prime Minister has a blog and places short 300 word platitudes on it. He is, to my mind, not to betaken seriously. By comparison Nick Xenophon and Steve Fielding, independent Senators show more maturity in public office than the Prime Minister of Australia. |
of Kevin R Beck, Melbourne Australia |
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Coreographed Play - Canbarra Dreams Act 600, scene 1 Theme: Dart Vadeer, crosses the floor of the inner sanctum swirling the cape behind. He is agitated. All is not going to plan. That is if there ever was a plan. Who decided that Dart should take over hospitals in the first place? Someone said that the Australian system was going at a discount of 40%. Someone said that 60% was the new 100%. Always unable to idemntify who said what to whom and when. The door opened and the curved Swan enetred. Feathers were fluffed out. "That evil wild horse in Victoria has cruelled he cried", flopping down in the chair. Dart snorted that this horse needed breaking. Te door opened again and Dart;s favourite fairy tale entered. She was carrying an apple. It was spiked with poison. She suggested feeding it to the horse. Where was Rigour Mortis, Dart wanted to know? No one replied. There was a knock. They held their breath. Who knockes? maybe it was opportunity? Dart's head of Department, Moore - Anne, with a new script and plan and a bag of money. He gave it to the Swan. Offer this Tedy he said. Swan hated being called Teddy. He wanted to know who kick named him Teddy? major Entrails, wason the phone and he had been going over the GST (Gee See That) and thought maybe that it was not a good idea to try the heist. Dart whinged that he was the boss and people like horse were there to be ridden and occasionally whipped. He shouted out for Wonder Boy, Alice Don't Stare At Me. Why wasn't the tried and tested opractice of spinning the story and the media not working? The truth after all had been locked away and fiction of the wild imagination was released. Nothing was going to plan. Smokey Mirrors needed to make up more stories. The cast rush out to find Smokey. The shadowy Abbott of The Hill stepped out from behind the curtains, he was invisible in his velcro and leotards. The budgey smugglers encapsulauted the crown jewels. He munched his iron man tablets and pondered his next move. He jumped on his invisble bike and peddled down the corridor bum in the air, the wind whistling between his ears. |
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Memo to: Smokey Mirrors Senior Adviser on Mendacity Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms Office of the Prime Minister of Australia Parliament of the Select Few Canberra From: Kev 07: Prime Minister for 600 promises and gross stuff ups Date: April 1, 2010 Dear Mr. Mirrors The numbers don't add up and the population, though they are semi literate and numerate, according to Jools, unfortunately know that 60% does not equal 100% and the 33% GST belongs to someone else. So we need a new abacus. Get me a mathematician, one of Wong's lot, who can massge numbers and tell real good stories. I have to make the hospital deal equal 100% and the Premiers do not like being conned. They see themeselves on the inner and have their own con men and women on the public purse without being snowed by mine. I have uttered the key words you gave me, miracles, water into wine, surgical removal of cankers and thrown in some pictures of new foxy nurses and 1,500 George Clooney ER types who will staff my own Neverland. I have promised to keep the rat infested rural centres open, in some form or another without being specific. That woman in charge of health, what's her name, has not set up all of the super clinics and we are only at primise number 3. Are we sure the tactic of never being specific is a good one? I have learnt the scripts of Black Adder, and Monty Python, off by heart as you directed. During the meeting with Johnny Horse in Victoria I chirped that his mate Madden, the bean stalk, really knew how to cook up a deal and maybe I should employ him. I wonder what ever happened to your staff memner in planning? I could use some subterfuge, sham consultation and media. Snake Grisscom came to visit me and I am thinking of making him Minister for Hospitals. He has some ideas how to massage the Premiers particularly Horse. I have just made Tony Bourke Minister for Rooting and I have booked a session with you for him to discuss his review of bedrooms and back seats of cars. He is keen and has seen some populations. He is to undertake a study, research, a thesis, book review, desktop review, crystal ball and Tarot card reading course and 300 day world trip, and come up with a tome on population. I will put it in a Pullitzer Prize. Another crucial problem facing us has been overcome by me. I feel nebullious again as if nothing can stop me. Though I am worried that I am pale and have no reflection. I am sitting at my desk wearing my Captain Crisp cape and boots with matching silver mask. I stare at my favourite painting "Wind in the Willows", the story of a bespectacled mole who came to be a significant politician. I like fairy tails. Have I told you my Nambour story? Or how I lived in a shoe box? It is really stirring stuff. I counted my moleskin slacks and blue shirts yesterday. I have nine hundred. Do you think they make me look washed out? Brute Force, was in here rattling on about Telstra and he wants to break it up and cut all of its copper cable up and flog it off to reduce budget debt. he thinks that you can make a good story out of that using rodents like the Optus advertisments to tell the story. I am thinling of buying Gauntanamo Bay and transferring everyone off Christmas Island. Alternatively the CIA have got all of these empty planes and are advertising rendition discounts. I quite liked the programme you developed for John Howard and the coalition. In a few moments Clarice Vixen (sporting a new look) will arrive to discuss her progress on "Fair Work and Comparability to Slavery" thesis paper I have commissioned. I just completed a meeting with cabinet on the spin factor in portfolio management directing that they ramp it up to at least 99.9%. That allows us a margin for slither. Well I am looking forward to your methodology to make 60 = 100 and, pack your bags as we are going on another round of specificity meetings. Best regards Kev, forever |
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Memo to: Smokey Mirrors Senior Adviser on Mendacity Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms Office of the Prime Minister of Australia Parliament of the Select Few Canberra From: Pete Garrett, Minister for Surplus Fluff, Spot Fires and Indignant Crooning Date: February 28, 2010 Dear Mr. Mirrors I urgently need a plan, and talk sheet, for the unfortunate events that have occurred in my life of late, and which are extrapollated in peoples' houses all over the place. There are some very shady types making a lot of money off my brilliant plan to stick stuff in the nation's upper bellfries. Now there is a problem that these opportunists (I hate them, I hate them, I hate them) have made zillions and in the process managed to kill a few people and burn some houses. Minor irritations from y view, since I did all that I could and I did it my way. This is not a good look for me. Do we have insurance policies? Some rude, anonymous person, wrote and suggested that it is difficult to get insurance for stupidity. It is all a media, and political, beat up, can you spin that line? Will it fly? What career have I left? I can't go back to my whale watching, toad counting and Mick Jagger girating hips routines. I quite like the pension plan we have here. Kev took some of my really good work and gave it away to Scat and the Ferrett. I also have 14 million pink batts in my office that I bought on spec, what can we do with them? Maybe send them to Africa and the Middle East? Ossama can line his caves. Is it true that I am to be an effigy at this year's Halloween celebrations? Help me Smokey. Just like you helped Brian Bourke, Bob Carr, Paul Lennon, the chair sniffer in Western Australia (forgot his name) and the other skaters. Regards and here is a signed album for your record collecton, "Beds Are Burning". Yours ever, Pete |
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Memo to: Smokey Mirrors Senior Adviser on Mendacity Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms Office of the Prime Minister of Australia Parliament of the Select Few Canberra From: Constantly Wong, Minister for Trickles, Puddles, Hot Air and Excrement Trading Schemes Date: November 2009 Dear Mr. Mirrors I write to you about the terrible situation I am in regarding my personal fantasies on Climate Change, and the erroneous truths and schematics (ETS). The scientists upon whose statements I relied have been found to be less than forthcoming about their alchemy. Now I look like a goose and Squirt was not impressed at Copenhagen. His toupe was all lopsided from having to line up to get into the conference. He spoke in tongues of the future, and the past, and I did not have my interpreter with me. I thought he might be praying. The Chinese had a secret meeting and did deals and then they snubbed Al Jolson. The hordes took control and I noticed there were a lot of boat people at Copenhagen just like at Christmas Island. They are everywhere. Squirt gave me a list of new lies to learn and I need to have lessos in meandering, and spectrum enunciation. I have to learn to monotone and look serious like our beloved androgenous. The PM looks at his shoes when he is being serious. Joe Hockey tries to look at his shoes and Abbott isn't wearing any. He needs asome red meat I think. Is he an incarnation of a field scarecrow or a product of climate change? I also need a prescription for head ache pills as well as a list of seamly words to cover for Pete's stuff up. The PM is calling in Snark Darble to take over Pete's portfolio of pink batts and alfoil. Snark knows about crooks in the trade from his time as super hero in the unions. Though he not a Bob Hawke legend in his own time. Sometimes I think he would have a good career as an undertaker. Kev wants me to learn complex synonyms and ancient verbs with ten syllables at least in each. I am to be perfunctory, and specious, at the same time. As I write I have a million people carrying buckets of water to the Murray Darling basin, because it will never rain again. I have a zillion megalites of bottled water going at a good price. I received a memo that I was to get a Cubby and have been wondering where I would put it. By the way have you seen that hot little liberal sitting on the benches in parliament house. I flicked my eyelids her way and she blew air out her nose. My ears were ringing, heart punding, and I didn't hear the speaker call me. Anyway I hadn't received your weekly prep sheet so I did not know what to say about anything. This afternoon I have to meet the irrigators and need a few pointers, and ideas, for discussion. One idea I have is to expand the industry, treating the leather from the catch to make Australian designer shoes. Are all the irrigators from the Northern Territory? Finally I need a new set of temperatures to publish for 2010 - 2011 with government guarantees and pictures of Squirt coming out of a church. We are drafting a bill that demands climate change, whether God likes it or not, and I am running it past Tim in Rome to see if the Pope will sign on to the deal and ask God or maybe make an encyclical. What do you think? Get back to me with my scripts for all the above as quick as you can because an empty head makes me nauseous. |
| To Smokey Mirrors Senior Adviser on Mendacity Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms Office of the Prime Minister of Australia Parliament of the Select Few Canberra Date: June, 29, 2006 Dear Mr. Mirrors We have never been introduced. My name is Paul Lennon, no relation to John. I am Premier of Tasmania. I have a problem and am told that you provide tuition in dissembling tactics and general lying to parliament and the public at large. My public is not that large and the audience is not that discerning but nevertheless. I am a man of simple words, and concepts, and I hope that when you respond you will not use words longer than two syllables. My problem is that the Deputy Premier, Bryan Green (he is definately that)did a deal with two labor mates. One was a former Minister in the Tasmanian labor government (John White is his current name) and the other comes from the sate of cowboys and corruption, Queensland where people who are sick can die comfortably in a hospital instead of at home. His current name is Glen Milliner. Well the deal was to give them a secret contract ti run the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation. Secret because Mr. Green did not tell anyone. He never told me and I deny the allegation that he did. I like John Howard am never told anything. Based on not knowing what I was not told (I like Rumsfled's simlicity in this regard about the tghings we do not know that we don not know) I stupidly trusted a public servant (as John Howard does) who apparently gave me a number missing a zero. I spouted it in parliament and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing new in that because I then went into spin doctrine number 1. This can be found in the "New Testament According To Lennon" p.1. It is a two page document with one of the pages being the cover. I wrote it all by myself. I will not tolerate anyone repeating that it is really a rhyme about Humty Dumpty! KEVINRBECK wrote on his stupid web site that it was a simple statement about "Corrupting Tasmania's government and Public Administration to hang onto power". Boy will he get his one day. Beter to ignore him, he uses big words so I ignore him. What is the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation? You may well ask. I have no idea which again is not unusual. It apparently accredits builders. It is avery nice and lucrative business. Rude people say that it just takes annual fees of $500 and does nothing! Well waht is wring with that. I do it all the time and so do others in government, although I (we) get a lot more than $500 a week. Anyway, I said that the opposition were turkeys and then they heard me gobbling in my office. I have an unusual terets type reaction to other politicians and to anyone in general particularly if they do not salute. I like to dress up in Roman General outfits and on occasion in leather with jack boots on. That is by the by. So then I gave Green a serve and he vomited on my boots. I have instigated an audit into his life and anything else as long as it is not about me or my government, the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation and Queensland hospitals or ours down here. Dangerous you might well say? Well an audit in Tasmania is not like an audit anywhere else. I am the auditor. The people who do it for me are considered mates too. Provided that they do the right thing by me. If they are not they get fired or worse ignored. I am willing to pay you a big fee or put you on a board of something in terurn for a rewrite of the above manual. I await in anticipation. You can come and play dress up too, if you want. Paul Lennon, The Honourable Important Person Memo to: Smokey Mirrors Senior Adviser on Mendacity Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms Office of the Prime Minister of Australia Parliament of the Select Few Canberra From: Mark Vaile, Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Trade Date: April 10,2006 Dear Mr. Mirrors I am to appear before the Cole Royal Commission soon. I have bought a new dictionary to learn words of many syllables. I am not all that worried because the Prime Minister assures me that he has framed the whole thing, terms of reference and the Chronicles of Periphrastic within the Departments, so that no one can point to me or Alex or him for being incompetent. In fact no one can point to anything because there is nothing to point to. Your team has worked assiduously to create second set of records that are perspicuous in every way. You are indeed perspicacious. I am very worried about this. I thought we had a well honed policy of looking at things and deciding what people are allowed to know what and what story we will tell others. However I must learn to string two sentences together with credibility if I am to get through this. I am, at the instigation of the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff, undergoing amnesia therapy along with the Minister for Foreign Affairs, so that I appear credible when I say that I did nor read the cables from over there (you know where) and never ever was told that I had. I will be pertinacious even to the political death. I will develop a pertussis on the morning of the appearance. I will hold firm until this pestiferous, and interferring, Royal Commission goes away. We can then get on with the public evisceration of the AWB mob. About the cables. I have always had trouble reading the comics and prefer to gave my information given to me on speaking cassettes. Sometimes the tape gets caught in the eight track of the holden ute and it comes out garbled. That is why when I repeat it I sound garbled. The PM says that I need to be coached by you. I'll have my personal assistant book a time. I remember when we were sworn into Ministerial office that you told us to stand in front of a mirror every day and say, "I did not know", "I was not told" and "I have never read anything of substance". This in addition to either, "I have no recollection" or "I cannot recall." My wife, children and mother in law are very annoyed because this constant rote has caused me to forget their names. Alexander whispers the rote lessons in his closet so because he says the echo is both soothing and reinforcing. He has a lot of other things in his closet that are soothing and reinforcing. I have asked my staff if I knew and they reassure me that I do not know anything. I rang Bush's office and asked his secretary if she thought I knew. She did not know who I was and threatened to ring the FBI if I kept calling. She said George Bush had never heard of me. I am nervous about this. I stammer and appear sweaty when I get questioned closely particularly by real lawyers, not the charlatan types that hang around these corridors masquerading as politicians. Do I look shifty? What way will I part my hair and what colour tie should I wear? An email from a constituent suggested yellow. I look in the mirror and my eyes are shrunken from trying to lean my answers. It is hard applying myself for more than a few minutes at a time. I think I'll take a leaf out of the PM's book and blame someone else, I'll blame Alexander. I am taking the regular weekly classes with your staff. I got an "A" in Memory Gymnastics 101 and a "B" in "Somewhere Over the Rainbow Policy Rhetoric". Next I will be doing "The Mr. Bojangles Soft Shoe and Ministerial Impressions"..." I knew a man Bojangles and he' dance for you in worn out shoes...the old soft shoe, he'd jump so high ... and then he'd lightly touch down..." I also hum the conservative party anthem as much as possible, whilst whacking myself with a tuning fork. I love that anthem, "If you go down to the woods to day, you better not go alone ...today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic". Wish me luck and oh by the way I'd really like to keep the Trade Portfolio because I have learned the technique of "flatus" when dealing with trade negotiators. Your admirer Mark Vaile Date: Flexible, early 2005 TO: Smokey Mirrors, Director of Communications Australian Government (and coincidentally the White House) And Special Forces Rapid Rebuttal Team of Truth and Criticism Spin Room 24 Corridor of Synonyms, Antonyms Parliament House, Canberra, Australia. From: Minister for Immigration, Indignant Affairs and Department of Extreme, and Dangerous, Stupidity Dear Mr. Mirrors I write on issues of high priority. There has been a litany of misfortunes besetting my portfolio, which was handed down to me by Lord Syth, who has moved on to become "Overseer General", Caesar of the Legal Maze and Minister, Department for Home Raids and Variable Intelligence. Among the several hundred disasters and crimes against humanity committed by dedicated types and cultually challenged despots in my new department is the case of a woman of advanced age, somewhere between 104 and 110, an illegal, lurking in the suburbs causing the Department, due to pragmatic regard for the interest of the Australian government, over that of public interest and humanity, someone did not make a decision about her status, as they do and should. Some rude people are calling my portfolio a lumbering one, full of an inordinate number of dills and practitioners of the dark arts. Some of these people have been following me around for many years transferring from my previous responsibilities in education, employment, justice, immigration, multicultural and indigenous and I will discuss a new image with you at a later date, particularly in relation to hair. Have you observed Senator Coonan and Brendan Nelson's hair? What do you think of the styling? I digress, back to the more pressing issues. This chinese woman was one of many threatening the very fabric of Australian society as we know and love it. The old girl has been here for ten years, and unlike the other illegals who are all locked up in the government's desert resorts getting a suntan, or in our inner city five star abodes, this person is running lose in the community. Yes, yes I know what you are thinking, ten years have I been s-lumbering waiting for a frog to kiss me? There is some consistency here in that she, and the family, were being mentally tortured through waiting, which is consistent with the policy for treatment of all illegals who are waiting endlessly at our, my and others, pleasure as granted by the High Court of Australia, but questions were being asked as to why we did not lock her up like everyone else? I wanted to! We wanted to! The majority of Australians wanted to and so did the President of the United States, in whom we trust, want us to and we have been kindly offered places in Cuba for those difficult cases that can be embarrassing. Sierra Leone is looking a good alternative. We are always reticent to break down the door in the dead of night and render people a ‘non threat’ because lawyers, refugee advocates and other do-gooders and other enemies of the state, for which we have no regard, are everywhere and ASIO has refused to do these things. Additionally this woman could not be portrayed as a wandering lunatic nor a passing tourist of uncertain heritage and vocal nuances, even though she, and they, probably can’t speak real English, as we know it. We deported Alvarez and locked up Rau, but people of advanced age and particular heritage can be influential. The Chinese community is well networked and resourced. You know that they have all of the white from Bendigo, Castlemaine and elsewhere which they gathered up before James Cook discovered Australia. They own all of the good restaurants, pleasure parlours, and venues frequented by an influential cross section of business, community, liberal party supporters and even some of our own parliamentary members. They have so much money that offering them $600,000 to dredge their pool or local creek, using the very special vote-buying fund for elections, and other government interests, that we used in late 2004 does not entice them. They will however consider a swap for a casino but we don’t have any. We will have to grant any chinese person of chinese origin a pass! Now we have the Palmer Report, a most revealing insight into the warped mind of people reflecting the image of their political master of past years gone by. This unwelcome document dissects how an Australian resident was locked up for a serious amount of time and toirtured mentally becuase she was deemed to be an unidentifiable, illegal immigrant. There are 200 more, give or take a dozen or twenty or fifty cases, who f--- knows! that are also about to hit the fan and splatter all over my new dress. At wits end I am seeking deployment of your Special Forces ‘rapid rebuttal’ team, skilled in the use of antonyms, and synonyms, to reduce the pending Palmer document to toilet paper. The ideas you put forward should be as creative as the lines and justification used for the Iraqi invasion, denial and then approval of the additional military deployment, last announced by the Prime Minister, who is friend of George Bush, in whom we trust. You might be able to reuse the Children Overboard Pictures. Why waste a proven good piece of smoke and mirrors. Pictures shuld be cropped and presented in optional formats. The solutions must show as much innovation as our proposals for industrial relations and general management of Australia. By the way, you must be complimented for arranging a rechristening, by the New York Times, of our PM, to "Premier of Australia" during his last visit to America. This yet again, demonstrates the high esteem in which our PM is acknowledged, known, held, and observed, by the highly educated media, and others, in the USA. You are continually smoothing the PM’s future path onto the American speaking circuit although some are wondering how you will overcome the propensity he has for talking through his nose and whining? Do you know when, and if, he will decide to allow Pete Cossytallow to smell the leather chair and sit at the borer infested timber desk that JW polishes every morning with his sweaty, (free with a packet of weeties and mobile phone), track suit top? Is it true that you are arranging entry to the US hall of fame, for special people who are loyal to the White House and Dubya, with attendant honourary citizenship? I would like to put my name down and I have been practicing my American and I watch all of the TV programmes to get an idea of the culture and nuances. The synonyms you have made up for Parrot Rhymes, Minister for Defence, to use in the Senate Estimate hearings, are breathtaking and wondrous indeed. The art of using the same repetitive phrase in answer to 100 questions really gets on the opposition's goat. Then there are the gems you created for the PM such as, ‘I had a change of heart’, ‘we did not contemplate’, " I do not give a rats as to your contrary opinion", "the truth is whatever I deem it today to be", "I never remember yesterday", "I was never minded", "No snot told me", and those killer statements that roll of his tongue flowing seamlessly, "I was finally persuaded", "I found a heart," "after contemplating I became minded" and that classic used by every politician in Australia, "the reality is at the end of the day". I look forward to a speedy reply and remain yours as ever in my dreams. J. W. Philamandalexclone Minister for Immigration, Indignant Affairs and the Department of Extreme, and Dangerous, Stupidity. Senator, the Honourable, "The Finger" McGauran PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE Dear Finger McGauran I write on the matter of your raised digit to Honourable Members of Australia's Senate, the upper house, owned solely by the mandate claimed by the coalition of the liberal and national parties, now ,and in the past by the Australian Labor Party, but never by the people of Australia. Dr. Snark Darble, the concierge, and Secretary, of Prime Wines and Cabernet, rang me and asked me to view a video of your latest non verbal contribution to debate in the Australian Senate. I note that your gesture was a result of a Division outcome and that it demonstrated your potential to be double jointed, finger dextrous, entertaining and decisively riveting all at once. The bells ringing have been known to seriously disturb the "representative swill" as a former Prime Minister described the members of the chamber. By comparison to you there are many members of parliament who cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. So what a feat the finger is. We clapped loudly here in the Corridor of Spin at parliament House, Snark was jealous at first of your notoriety and then he was concerned. Concern is rare for Snark but it has been more apparent an attribute as he has battled depression following his release from Villawood Detention Centre where he was inadvertently interred by Immigration, for a period of seven months, whilst on a walking assignment in Lakemba, NSW looking for a souvlaki. Snark’s language skills, dialect and intonation make it difficult to identify him as a citizen of anywhere least of all Australia. However I digress. We here at the Department of Incremental Synonyms, Slight of Hand and Antonyms (DISSA) have debated the value of the use of the finger as a mechanism for serious debate,and code signalling, during question time. It contains more substance, passion and sense than your normal contribution to parliamentary debate. I ran it past Brillcream Turkey for comment and inspiration, he guffawed and smarmied a response in guttural chit chat but the Telstra exhange machine between here and his office in Western Australia, that gets you numbers when you talk to it in Intel speak, kept referring us to an operator for translation of Wil’s voice content. I deciphered after a spell however that he thought you were brighter than Barnaby who he clearly flagulated with the incisive wit, and articulation, for which Iron Bar is known and loved by all in sundry. I was going to ask your brother, Peter, the Hnourable Minister for Dirt, Grass and Little Piggies, and from time to time masquerading as the Man from Snowy River, what he thought but then realised that he has been heavily involved with tractors, potatoes and sticky labels. Some people have given him the finger and he may be biased and irritable about it. He is being lead down the veritable garden path by his new department who are second guessing him, second guessing consumers, farmers, food and the food and grocery council, restaurant and caterers and every other person who may know about the evils of apples from NZ and irradiated prunes from anywhere and what is in biscuits, buns, fruit juice and bread other than sugar. Peter could adopt the finger as a response in his speeches and in interacting with others. After all of this we decided that it might be a family trait from having lived and grown up in middle erath Victoria. Feeling left out of being an average battler and stuff like that or it could simply be a country trait of friendship and familiarity similar to what happens when wearing shorts and playing rugby league. The President of the Senate said it was unseemly but not obscene. We have referred it to Big Brother for adjudication. You are my Australian idol and I remain yours and others too Smokey Mirrors Director of Miscommunications and Synonyms and Antonyms< cc. Shnark Darble Minister Assising the Minister Assisting the Minister Senator, the Honourable, Barney Jokester LESSONS IN THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION Dear Barney I write on behalf of the Prime Minister the Honourable, and reverred Sir Robert Menzies, reincarnated as John Winston Howard. The Honourable, the Prime Minister, friend of George Bush and Oprah Winfrey, has asked me to tell you that he does not appreciate a lecture in the Australian Constitution which he studied in school and has a copy on his book shelf. He is up to page two and says that it is a bit dry and he does not believe (a) that you can read for your are from Queensland and (b) even if you could you have not got through it faster than him. If you have you should be polite enough not to say so publicly. He thinks you are quoting from the little book of Mao. I think he was jealous at first of your notoriety and the fact that you have got more television coverage in two days than he has had in his career. Then he was concerned when he saw you muscle up to the aged and very dog eraed Senator Heffer who the Honourable the Prime Minister definitely knows cannot read and gas never heard of the Constitution. The Honourable the Senator Heffer knows well enough that role of a Senator is whatever John Winston Howard says it is when he says so.. Are you serious, for real? The PM thinks you are new and that you are young and that you are frivolous and he thinks you are frisky and that you are cute and that you have nice eyes. He likes your chubby cheeks and naive grin. He would like to invite you to late night supper with him and the sardonic, and very likeable, Brillcream Turkey who is a fan of yours, and Wils would like to introduce you to the ritual of the Iron Bar. Do you have a sixties flared suit? It is initiation time and you should not be playing hard to get. The Prime Minister invites you to join that most exclusive of clubs, the party room, that owns Parliament House, every bloody room and every chair and the chambers and the walls and the roof where you were seen looking whilst lounging in the Senate Chamber on the fisrt day. We have pictures, you lay about! The partv room wrote the Constitution, the Bible, the Qran, the Book of Jobe and the script for Silence of the Lambs and is a Noble Prize winner and is just the ants pants. Get with the programme slick lest you be bedevilled with dreams and nightmares of a life without patronage, condemned for ever to be a servant of the people. Yuck! Excuse any spelling mistakes and eat this communication after you receive it. We here at the Department of Incremental Synonyms, Slight of Hand and Antonyms (DISSA) do not like smartie pants who quote from things we have never actually seen, JW, has the only copy of the Australian Constitution and is having it reprinted for a modern age. The President of the Senate said you were unseemly in your comments but not obscene. We have referred this matter the liberal and national party privileges committee and your lunch vouchers have been suspended until Telstra is sold. Swell Big Hair, Minister for Shares, Starts and Silent Farts, says she is not phased by your recalcitrant behaviur and bragging about your ability to read. She has bags of money to give away and knows that the Nats and the Bugs can be bought for a few pieces of silver. If you contiue to quote from the Constitution and statethat you represent that bloddy state of Cane Toads you will be pissed upon from a great height by liberal headkicker and headache Spruce Pine and his most senior mate Terdy About. So be very careful for what you wish for. You are the new boy on the block And remain mine and others too until graduation Smokey Mirrors Director of Snide Asides, Synonyms and Antonyms Ref: DIMIA 12345 17 February 2005 Mr. Stateless Person of Interest Suite 4 Red Wing Baxter Resort South Australia Dear Stateless Person of Interest This communication with you conforms to the Australian Cabinet approved Book of Synonyms and Antonyms, as edited by Smokey Mirrors, for use in telling anyone about anything. Thanks for your letter of 4 September 2001 relating to your request for special consideration for compassion and release. I was surprised to receive your letter, because I was not aware that people such as you could write. I hope that you have not been undertaking schooling whilst in your special place, because that is not allowed. If you were to tell me confidentiality who wrote the letter for you I might look upon your case more favourably. Here I should state, that the fact you are twelve years old cuts no ice and it is time someone pointed out to you, and all the other `illegal? types like you, in the world, the reality, at the end of the day. Under authority, conferred upon me by the Queen of England, and endorsed by the Cabinet of the Australian government with the acquiescence of the Australian people and the guidance of Smokey Mirrors, the Director of Communications of the Australian Liberal Party and coincidentally of the White House, you are to be placed under contribution. As an extra benefit, the High Court of Australia has ruled that we are in charge of your life and can detain you at our, and especially my, pleasure, for as long as I/we like. It may not yet be clear to you that we, in Canberra, the government, and autocracy of this great nation, do like to and as the Australian refugee group says, you should Chilout (http://www.chilout.org). I want you to be fully aware of our rights as specified under the unilateral provisions for the War on Diversity and Culture, adopted by Australia, in complementary and unquestioning acceptance from our supreme political church leader, George Bush, President, of the United States, in whom we trust. As an incarcerated non-citizen, here in Australia, in Iraq, Egypt, Afghanistan, Cuba or anywhere else we and our associates may choose, you are subject to being watched, inspected, and spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, and controlled. You can be checked, estimated, valued, censured, and commanded. This is public pretext of general interest and we do this, on behalf of the superior people of the great nations of Australia and the United States in whom we trust, hallelujah and the representative of God on earth be praised and no it is not the Pope I am referring to! I may require, and I do, that you be drilled, fleeced, exploited, monpolilised, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed and be robbed of your liberty. If you show the slightest resistance, the private police, military and media advisers, psychiatrists on our payroll and any others we deem qualified, regardless of mental agility and intelligence quotient may interview and interrogate you. In doing so they may carry guns, work with dogs and other unspecified animals, feel you up, pull down your panties, snigger and take pictures etc. You may be subject to harassment, be hunted, be abused through torture or other device, without recourse to any rule of law or justice for you are a non citizen, a persona non gratis and a low life by comparison to us. If we choose, and we do, you may be vilified and condemned, without proof, for throwing your children over board, for surviving the sinking of Siev ? X or for being deemed to be in possession of weapons of mass destruction and for consorting with known or suspected terrorists at school, which we know was really a training camp. You may be held on suspicion of being person of a particular unacceptable descent, or belief, who has no regard for God?s chosen nation, the United States of America, and the President, in whom we trust. You, or your family or countrymen, may be bombed and there is no requirement upon us, or the Americans with whom we travel, to count the numbers of how many we kill. You may be clubbed, disarmed, shot at and killed, stripped naked, be made to simulate sex or any other activity that we of the `coalition of the willing? and the divine of right may decide. You may be bound, checked, imprisoned (in your own country or here), judged, condemned, deported, sacrificed, sold, and betrayed. That is the system of government here in Australia and in places where the United States has neat technology, lots of hardly educated soldiers and likely commercial interests. That is justice and that is morality, and you have no recourse according to Proudhon, in Nozick, 1974. You might like to console yourself that we are not biased. Officers from the department lock up Australians, French visitors on holidays and passing Koreans and anyone else we find wandering on the streets that do not speak or look Australian. In Egypt, Iraq and Afghanistan, Pakistan, Cuba and anywhere we are we may if we desire do similar stuff and we don?t have to tell what we are doing and no one cares much anyway. We are in search of the elusive Bin 29 and I hope for your sake that you do not know where he is. We may come and search your suite at Baxter soon and if not satisfied may send you to another facility, overseas, for mental reclamation and restructure, where we may put electric wires on your genitals to see if we can make your eyes glow. It is fruitless to consider petitioning the Australian parliament, for we have what we term a ?bipartisan policy? and it is the right of the liberal, national and labor parties that make up the majority of the House of Representatives and the Senate to decide how you may be incarcerated and treated. In any event the coalition of the John Howard government and the Republican Party of the USA, under the blessed President, George Bush, shall be in charge of the Australian Senate, come mid 2005. The proposition that representatives, Greens, Democrats and Independents, should have any influence is laughable and a fantasy. There are still pockets of resistance that are putting it about that that this action is perpetrated by creatures who have neither the right or the wisdom, nor the virtue to do so, but that is not our view. Therefore, based on our compelling rights over yours, your request for special consideration on the grounds of clemency, humanity, morality, conscious regard, decency, religion, fear of loss of life, pending insanity, inhumane treatment, the rules of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, international law and covenants, Geneva Convention, United Nations crap, the Bible and the Koran or any other book in publication or not, is hereby denied. We, me and others in this nation, know that this is disappointing, but we will keep your details on file should another position in Australia come up and please do not hesitate to apply again. Please note, children of the age of twelve are not allowed to smoke in Australia and definitely not in a government building. Do you not know that smoking is a health hazard? As an aside if by chance, at the time of next federal election, you should have relatives, living in Australia, in regional national party and liberal party electorates, or in the very remote possibility you have been released on a "permit" you or they may be eligible for a grant up to $400,000, and a free mobile phone, to open a café or take away business under our "gravy train" and "pig barrel" programmes. The Australian liberal party at the federal level can make pigs fly. Yours sincerely John. W. Howiephilamandalexhill - Clone. Group Minister of the Australian Government Cc: Ms Cornelia Rau, Australia, Mr. M. Habib Australia, and Mr. David Hicks, Cuba. |
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